Church of the Debaser

G.O.D. awoke in a cornfield, driving, dragging the engine block, blacked out again, and didn’t wake up for fifteen years. Wednesday was his fourth birthday. He celebrated with a small cup of vanilla ice cream. 

He’s been where you are. 

Here’s a pamphlet.

It’s called the Church of the Debaser. It’s non-denominational. G.O.D. sermons on Tuesdays. We gather in the creamery beside United Methodist after meetings. 

We use their basement.

Yes, that’s an eel.

×

We missed you last week. 

Will you be joining us this evening?

Aren’t you bored with meetings and steps? You stink of vomit and soured sleep, but who hasn’t? Have you ever stunk of mole’s blood? 

G.O.D. can help. 

I promise. 

His name? The acronym, G-O-D? If I tell you, will you come? 

Gift. Of. the. Debaser.

×

Have an ice cream.

Milkfat cuts through the taste of blood.

×

You made quite an impression on G.O.D. last week. 

Typically, we euthanize the animal first.

×

May I record this?

Thank you. 

Define shame.

No. Stop. I’ll rephrase—

Define your shame. Start vague. Describe its shape and color. Speak clearly, purposefully. As you go, begin to flesh out your description. Bring form to shape and gradient to color. Take your time.

G.O.D. requires every detail. 

Now listen, this is important: The last sentence you’re about to speak is the essence of who you are. Remember, G.O.D. will listen to this. Be precise. Ready?

No. Stop. I’ll rephrase—

×

Why? That’s a fair question. 

May I ask you something first? How far will you go to be clean? 

No. Stop. Don’t answer. I’ll go, then you.

All life is self-immolating.

…

That’s the answer to your question. Think about it. Now, to the real question: How far will you go to be clean?

No. Stop. I’ll rephrase—

×

One pill, twice daily. 

The first bottle is free; however, refills cost.

What’s in it? Are you questioning G.O.D. or me, and think carefully before answering?

×

May I record this?

Thank you.

Is G.O.D. good to you?

No. Stop. I’ll rephrase—

Are you at all bothered by the Church’s practices?

No. Stop. I’ll rephrase—

Yes or No: Nothing you’ve seen or done while a member of the Church has given you pause? 

Has killing bothered you?

No. Stop. I’ll rephrase—

×

All life is self-immolating. 

Have you considered that yet?

Our demise is precoded. 

Knowing that, why bother with shame?

×

Here’s a toothpick. You have something between your teeth. 

Would you like an ice cream?

You’re quite vulgar. 

You must have been a wondrous user. Your appetite is prodigious.

I’m beginning to think G.O.D. can’t help you.

×

G.O.D. is concerned. 

Are you going too far?

×

This is a thirty-day supply. 

Make it last.

×

May I record this?

Thank you.

Please state your full name.

How long have you been a member of G.O.D’s church?

Please answer the following questions Yes or No:

Do you regularly ingest bromide against G.O.D.’s advice?

Do you regularly volunteer for blood-letting against G.O.D.’s advice?

Do you regularly ask to be blistered against G.O.D.’s advice?

Have you ever bitten the head off a mole?

Have you ever severed an eel’s spine with your teeth?

Have you ever—

×

Would you betray G.O.D.?

×

This is not a recording session. I asked you here privately. 

Can this remain between us?

Does it bother you G.O.D. not participating in rituals? 

Never a drop of blood on him. Never a burn on his skin or a wound of any kind. 

I’ve never seen him take his own medicine.

Is G.O.D. too clean?  

Yes, he is the Debaser. But you’re the debased. The breadth of that has never given you pause?

×

Your shamelessness is Godly.

×

I’ve destroyed our recordings.

×

It’s time.

×

G.O.D. awoke in a stranger’s bed, hungover, covered in blood, and felt no shame. Sunday was his second birthday. He celebrated with a quart of ice cream.   

He’s been where you are.

Here’s a pamphlet.

It’s called the Church of the Debased. It’s non-denominational. G.O.D. sermons on Thursdays. We gather in the pet store beside First Congregational after meetings. 

We use their basement.

Yes, that’s an eel.

His name? The acronym, G-O-D? If I tell you, will you come?