Sorry We Missed You!

A note to the future sapient inhabitants of Planet C in the nine-planet solar system of the G-type main-sequence star with an orbital radius of roughly 8,600 parsecs to the galactic edge (aged approximately 4.598 billion full orbits of Planet C around its sun): Sorry We Missed You! Surveyors visited your planet at what we estimate to be approximately 4.541 billion orbits into your planet’s existence. Unfortunately, the native fauna that we encountered on our survey do not appear to have met the minimum requirements for induction into the Intergalactic Alliance of Sapient Spacefaring Species (IA3S) at this time. While we recognize the potential for the bipedal inhabitants of the central continent to eventually develop sophisticated language and technology, our IA3S mandate of noninterference prohibits negotiation of membership in good faith with underdeveloped species.  If you believe this message to have been received in error or would like to request a second opinion, please contact “Steve” at [undecipherable]. Expect a delay in response of up to three hundred thousand orbits of Planet C. If your species has not yet independently acquired sapience, you may safely ignore this message, however, we politely ask that you not attempt to destroy the [undecipherable] with a rock or any other blunt object. (Intentional damage inflicted on IA3S property will incur a fine of [undecipherable]. All fines must be paid in full before a species may be considered for IA3S membership.) Assuming that no request for reconsideration is received in the interim, we expect to be in your neighbourhood again in approximately 5 million planetary orbits to reconsider this planet for sapient races who may make a bid for IA3S membership. We look forward to seeing you then! This exploratory event was funded by “Moe’s” [undecipherable] Snack Shapes through the Institute of Applied Xenobiology at the Great Library of [undecipherable]. (The slogan, “The snack that [undecipherable, possibly a verb in the present tense] back!” appears on the back of the device, alongside a crude pictographic representation of the snack shapes in question. These shapes include: a winged animal, a tentacled animal, a building with a gabled roof, an oblong leaf or flower petal, and a shape resembling a cross-section of a fungus stem and cap.) A motion was passed at the 854th Intergalactic Congressional Hearing to create the budget for this exploratory event.